Billy's Cigar Lounge

Warning: the surgeon general has determined that non-smoking is hazardous to your brain.

Report just out: Seattle smokes cigars. The cigar it smokes is the Space Needle. Seattle takes a good puff on it every 3 to 4 seconds, as indicated by the pulsing of the red glowing tip. Not only that, but every New Year's Eve at midnight, Seattle relights his cigar to keep it burning, a must-see event.

I had once been a person opposed to smoking in the sense of not thinking it was a healthy thing to do. But I was never a militant, nor even an activist. But over time I watched the anti-smoking lobby transform into something I never was. The message I was getting from them was now, “If you don't become as obnoxious as we are, you will get no credit, so you might as well be a smoker.” Between the big stink from the no-smoke nazis and the fine cigar aroma from the brow-beaten smokers, my sympathy went out to the smokers - and I followed it. Smokers now no longer need to be afraid of me. I don't bite. It's kind of hard to do with my big cigar in my mouth. Instead I go by the Good Book: “Let your swords be turned into plowshares, and your guillotines into cigar cutters.”

It all happened like this: I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times, either you are for big tobacco corporations, or you are for the little children - which one will it be? This is the message of the new anti-tobacco thought police. And you of course cannot have police without the bright lights and piercing sirens. So they have a dark, dirty shock vocabulary worked up, and a menu of political names to call people, and no sense of humor.

My brain has developed to the point where I am not tolerant of any safety nazis thinking of more ways to protect me from myself by insulting me with a false dichotomy (big tobacco vs the children) or aphorisms that end all discussion (if you can save one life it is worth it). Upon realizing that the anti-smoker nazis are just another example of a safety enforcement group just like the helmet lobby, the never-swim-alone coalition, and the don't-jump-if-you-are-over-40 group, I dropped them at once like a hot cigarette.

Another false dichotomy shows up which I want to point out for everyone to turn over carefully in their minds. Because the billboard has Joe Camel playing pool, the following logic has been applied LEGALLY, as a basis for banning the add:

Of course I drive the pleasure police crazy because I totally muddy up the waters of their case by being an adult Bugs Bunny fan, and thus cause their whole argument to fall to pieces. Exactly the hardest kind of person to govern.

And every time I hear that it's for the children, I smell a horrible stink in the air that needs to be fumigated quickly. And I found that a fine Dominican Republic corona does just the job.

The fine smell of cigar smoke represents American liberty in smell form to me. I'm not alone, as my conservative mentor Michael Medved is another one of the non-smoking purists who reports having, like myself, lost his tobacco virginity to a cigar, and for exactly the same reason. He found having a cigar to be quite enjoyable, although he has no intention of continuing this persuit. But he no doubt shared with me the intense pleasure of knowing that he was enjoying something especially distressing to liberals, the smell of a fine fat stogie. ...By the way, why do I keep referring to the strictest people I know as “liberals”?

Of course these strict “liberals” couldn't have brought me to where I am without the help of a steering committee to help me keep my head above water. Kirby Wilbur, who I call Seattle's local Rush Limbaugh, who taught me much about what it means to be a conservative, enjoys a good cigar now and then. And I had the pleasure of joining him in a cigar once. Now once he did say that there are some cigars you can inhale, but I can only say that when you find a cigar you can inhale, it's time to switch to a real cigar.

Have you ever noticed: The closer a person comes to perfect health, the more impossible he is to live with. If you think a cigar connoisseur is hard to be around, try a health connoisseur. If you've been around one long enough, you develop a new appreciation for the aroma of a William Pen Perfecto. This is a definite proof that there is a point of diminishing returns. This must be why the wise who discover miracle health secrets like to keep quiet. They know this trap. They are aware that a blessing becomes an instant curse when the element of graciousness is left out. I was never more anti-smoking than when I was a kid. And it was strictly copy-cat behavior. Childhood is funny that way. I guess telling my papa “I hope your lungs rot” was not the way to impress him with my enlightenment on virtuous health. Having put my foot in my mouth too many times, I found it more socially feasible to put a cigar there.

I also find that there is really something out there called a cigar community. Two strangers are bound to feel like they can open up to each other almost like brothers if both of them happen to be smoking cigars. It's not human nature to be able to bond that way with complete strangers, but when we meet someone we know to share with us some common civilizing influence, such as being an elk member, a barbershopper, a church member, and of course a cigar smoker, we can make a special case for those people.

Many people really think they are suffering poor health because they breathed someone's day-old second hand smoke (I'LL SUE!). Before you assume that, make sure you aren't yourself drinking 24 beers a night, listening to gansta rap around the clock, gawking at the voyeuristic daytime tv sob shows, lacking good exercise, dehydrated, or cramming down highly refined carbohydrates mixed with gobs of saturated fat, excesses which are commonly practiced.

Further more, before you assume your run down because of something you, or someone else, is failing to do perfectly enough, make sure it isn't because you are too perfect. Take me. Many of the things people think I am extreme about are actually things in which I exercise an uncanny moderation. Any moderation which is rarely seen will be mistaken for extremism. Try reexamining some of people's prejudices with that in mind. I am not extreme in adult dignity, so I play. I am not a believer in the grunge rock faith, so I actually listen to classical music and Barry Manilow. I am not a teetotaler, so some have seen me drinking a beer. I'm not engaged in a fast with mountain-top gurus, so I eat Big Macs. I don't even believe in zero-risk 2000, so I still swim at beaches, go out in the sun, and walk in rain. I am not dignified in personal comportment, so I spash in rain puddles, and if I don't want to get wet, I leap over them instead. I'm not a marcher for political correctness, so I actually - now get this - sing Stephen Foster! And of course, I'm not a strict breatharian, so I sit amidst billowing clouds of fragrant, aromatic, second-hand, premium stogie smoke.*

People who hate big tobacco in principle aren't about to trifle over the difference between a weekend cigar user and a two-pack-a-day cigarette smoker. It's a sharp difference in frequency, in smoking time-to-nonsmoking time ratio, and also in attention paid to the act. Yes I realize smoking cigars finally killed George Burns (when he was 100), but things happen. Mr. Burns' idea of hell would be looking back toward earth and noticing we memorialized his death with a new anti-smoking regulation.

Here is the real low-down on just what is really wrong with being a chain cigarette smoker. Cigarettes are generally smoked in great quantity, a pack or more a day. Most people couldn't eat popcorn to such a degree without putting themselves in great danger. And such great amounts of smoking make more serious the fact that cigarettes are generally inhaled - into the lungs. It is this norm of smoking that has given it the reputation it has for ruining your health.

The frequency and invasive nature of cigarette smoking also causes it to be done with little or no awareness that you are doing it. That is scary. There is no pleasure in unconscious smoking. In fact it is an idea of mine that indulgence in pleasure without attending to it consciously is precisely what makes them addictive. You see this in TV watching, listening to rock, and of course, cigarette smoking. It is the conscious mind that is actually supposed to derive benefit from pleasure, or at least so I thought.

But instead of trying to quit and deal with the shock of withdrawl, switch to smoking fine cigars. Cigars have three advantages: They are more expensive, more powerful, and more exotic. This provides three benefits over cigarettes: 1) You will smoke less, so much less that you can even pay attention to them. 2) You will have more respect for them. 3) You don't inhale cigars, which removes most of the cardiovascular risk. It is the difference between popping gum into your mouth every hour or two and having a porterhouse steak dinner.

But, oh please, don't smoke them in mass like the cigarettes you just quit. Cigars aren't met to be smoked that way. Cigar Dave recommends abstaining from cigarettes for 6 months before smoking cigars, so you enjoy them with the correct mentality, as a pleasure, and not as a habit. I don't subscribe to this austere measure, but I can relate to his motive in wanting us to do it this way.

This leads me to another observation I would like all to make. When is the last time you were in an airport, and saw a huddle of people catching a jiffy between flights to puff on cigars in a smoking area? You know cigars are making it big now, so why not? Could it have something to do with the markedly different way cigars are smoked, and why they are smoked? When a truly addicted cigarette smoker - and a majority of cigarette smokers are - goes too long without his tobacco, he starts to tremble and get weak in the knees. It is the sad plight of a chain smoker that he is only truly conscious of his smokes when they are gone. The smokers you see in airports are mostly getting a break from long agonizing non-smoking periods in the plane. Cigars, used as intended, don't get into your body deeply enough to get so addicting. They're designed with your palate in mind, not your lungs. Your lungs cannot taste. Most people who like cigars respect them too much to reduce them to an unconscious addiction.

Not only do you want to consciously enjoy cigars, but you should aim toward making it a peak experience. It creates those moments that maintains pleasant associations with a cigar. During the summer season I often like to go to some picturesque spot in Seattle like the Golden Gardens park (in the evening - during the day I act strictly like a kid there), sit back against a log on the beach, wearing only a bathing suit if weather permits that, watch the sunset (of course in Seattle it's always raining, but sometimes you can see out of the convergence zone), pull out a cigar and give it a sniff to take in that fresh raw tobacco smell, light my cigar by the placid glow of my lighter (especially pretty in the dark), then puff on my cigar and stare across the sound at the lights on the other side until I am in a mellow stupor, amidst billowing clouds of fragrant, aromatic, second-hand, premium stogie smoke* from a cigar of choice.

When some bad sport tells you your cigar stinks, it is merely a matter to move to where they don't have to smell it. However, when the complainer follows you as you move away, or they complain even when they had to be told that a cigar existed, or if they complain about one that isn't even lit, don't give them any hearing - you are dealing with a good ol' fashioned politician (I can get just as political, further on in this writing). I am more sympathetic to gripes about why the sun isn't shaped like a fluorescent light.

Now the whiners really blew their credibility when they began saying pipes stink. They definitely don't. In fact they smell kind of like a sweet incense akin to a chocolate malt. I used to think cigars stank, but I've always liked pipe smoke (It is a shame pipe smokers have lost their prominence). And others I know who hate the cigar smell like pipes. I do know that as I got to enjoying cigar aroma, pipes became more like candy in comparison.

It is easy to forget that the right to be a moron is constitutionally protected. But I must also remember that the constitution gets about as much attention today as the Bible. And liberals who keep talking about their constitutional rights are thinking about the constitution about as much as they are thinking about God's glory when they say “I swear to God.”

No-smoking nazis didn't have the effect on me they intended, or on anyone else, unless it was their intention to drive conservatives like me to smoke more and kill ourselves off faster. Even though people are smoking less, they are smoking cigars more, all in response to the new anti-smoking nannie state. Published information about the dangers of smoking caused people to smoke less. New laws to restrict us caused people to smoke more again. I'll bet the pleasure police wish now they left bad enough alone. But to us it came out for the better. Cigars give us the best of both worlds. They are much safer, and they stink more, so they drive the smoke-free social police crazy. I remember when I got my first pack of cigars out of reaction to their whining. King Edward VII, 5-pack, and remarkably cheap. That first cigar (WooooWee!) was my honorary rite of passage into the politically incorrect community of laughing, playing, politician-imitating, hamburger-eating, flag-saluting, Rush Limbaugh-listening adults who socialize amidst billowing clouds of fragrant, aromatic, second-hand, premium stogie smoke.*

But then again, don't believe for a moment that the intent of the smoke-free lobby is persuasion. It is legislation. They are big-government people. They want to use the force of government to create what in their private minds is the perfect smoke free world for everyone. Know for a fact that fatty foods and frizbees are next, but only if they beat us in the tobacco war first. After all, what can possibly be objectionable about forcing people into doing what is good for them? That has an air of religious perfection to me, and last I heard we are supposed to maintain the strictest separation of church and state. Whatever happened to “cramming ones morals down another person's throat?” Oh! I forgot, that's okay as long as it is the designer religion of the day.

And this takes into account only one aspect of good hygene: air quality. The effect of trying to take control over another person ruins the whole psychological atmosphere far more dangerously than smoke ruins the physical one. The utopian model originally inspiring these liberals was one of total tolerance, wasn't it? Let's call their bluff. Why don't the liberals just pretend that what we really are holding here are exeptionally stinky marajuana joints. Then they will be more willing to respect our freedom.


George Burns says that the secret to a long life is a lot of laughter and a good cigar now and then.	Dave Zeplowitz, aka Cigar Dave, leading his loyal cigar lieutenants in the world-wide cigar lightation maneuvers on his cigar talk show program.	Rush Limbaugh with a cigar. I hear he likes the Fuente Fuente Opus X Double Corona.

Q & A

People who want to get rid of smoking will bring up the worst-case scenario about this issue to validate themselves. It is not worthy of serious consideration unless you are puffing up on second-hand smoke so heavily that you can still smell it in your breath after you get back home. Otherwise you run a far greater risk just from living in the city. The fanatic persuit of smokeless air is only justifiable in places where there is a reasonable hope of getting utterly virgin air, such as way up on top of a glacier in the Yukon wilderness. Of course, if I lived there, I would probably grow a bushy beard and smoke a pipe. Somehow pipes become moutain men. In the near future when “right wing” extremists are the only ones left who make a distinction between roller-skating and wrestling a hungry lion, remember that we had this conversation.

Commonly referred to as cigarillos, the Spanish word for cigarette. Good you brought this up. Because they are sold on the cheap in 20-packs like cigarettes, they are convenient when you have only short periods to enjoy (I emphasize enjoy) a smoke, or simply want a lighter smoke. But this could make the experience too “casual” and therefore less exotic and “separate”. And since these are much like simply glorified cigarettes, there is the strong temptation to smoke them like cigarettes, too frequently and with inhaling. You need to be more on your guard with this kind of cigar. Inhalation is the single most dangerous part of cigarette smoking and this line should not be crossed with cigars if they are to remain the relatively innocent alternative that they are.

Cigars are bigger and more powerful. How can they be better than cigarettes for you?

Stop. Drop. Think. Shooting a bullseye with a semiautomatic weapon is easier on you than shooting yourself in the head several times a day with a rubber band gun. Remember that cigars are smoked differently, and their especially imposing qualities help cue that respect for them. If you smoke a cigar like it's a cigarette, you will mess yourself up something awful. To say the least, you simply won't enjoy it. So cigars are better for you because you don't unconsciously smoke two packs a day of cigars, inhaling them deep into your lungs. My Mother is one of the weird ones who has smoked a cigarette now and then but never got hooked because she did it for the flavor, without inhaling, like you would a cigar. She didn't “quit” smoking, rather she just sort of got distracted by other persuits.

Cigar afficionados call this being “green”. It feels like getting drunk and then hungover all in one night. Some cigar tobacco blends originate from people who are used to higher nicotine levels in their blood - true smokers, in other words. Such cigars are bound to overwhelm someone who maintains a near zero nicotine level in their systems, like someone who is otherwise a non-smoker. And innumerable body states such as sugar level could also have an effect. Young tobacco can also cause this. Make note of the cigar brands that affect you too much. And if you can't figure out a way to smoke it so it isn't as hard on you, such as a smaller size or a ligher puffing technique, it's time to try a different brand. Why smoke something that you cannot enjoy?

The doctor is right if he means the only normal kind of smoking there is, namely one or more packs a day of unconscious cigarette inhalation. But the truth is, more smoking is worse. Less is better. I wish the old question “Do you smoke” would be replaced with the “tolerant” question “How much do you smoke”. It's just like fatty foods. None may be ideal, of course. But if you have an affinity for the fine pleasure of a George-Burns-style “good cigar now and then”, you may be one of those people who cause yourself more distress by staying away from tobacco than pollution from the occasional good cigar. After hearing a sob story about someone whose father died of mouth cancer is not the time to think about this. People mess with our minds every day.

What really takes me aghast is cigarette smokers telling me my cigar stinks.

All right. I guess it's time now to introduce politics just as I promised. If you simply remember that Democrats smoke cigarettes and Republicans smoke cigars, you will see that this is really a political confrontation. Your tormenters are just trying to assure you they are good liberals who want to make a better world for all of us, just like when a guy meets another guy he's supposed to spit on the ground to assure that he is not gay. And to add, when Democrats and Republicans talk together like gentlemen, they smoke pipes.

What would you like to have said about you by the anti-tobacco dictators and social police who want to make this a smoke-free nation?

I have a pipe and smoke it. An exquisite experience, but it takes more skill than a cigar. For some time as well I have been trying out the pipe tobacco cigarillos, like the Middletons, the Swisher Blackstones, and the pipe aroma Dutch Treats. It's not quite as rich an experience as a cigar, because the pipe smell is way milder. That is why only a real fanatic, as far as I'm concerned, would say that a pipe stinks. Talk all you want about carcinogenic second-hand smoke, but pipes don't stink.

Down boy. As soon as my interest in Barry Manilow and Mantovani begins to wear down, and no sooner. If you know me at all, you know that I am out of touch. I don't keep my tentacles out to see what turns people's cranks in hope that it will turn mine also. Many things are taking the world by storm for which I have no interest whatsoever, and am in some cases sickened. Conversely, there are many things forgotten totally by everyone else, yet my fascination with them remains unflagging. So you can figure the importance I place in the profile of cigars. The only thing that is important is their continued affordable existance and hopefully the presence of other afficionados to meet with. Cigars are probably about the one thing with which I coincided with the rest of the world in my enthusiasm, even if only for a wink.

If children are known for thinking cigars stink, shouldn't we pay some attention to their young, uncorrupted judgement? After all, you seem to take a lot of life's lessons from children, am I right?

I suppose you are interested in their estimate of the value of sugar and fat in the diet as well, correct? Children have more delicate bodies than the rest of us, and I discourage having them hang around smoke, especially cigar smoke, for the first 21 years, so they have a chance to fully develope firm healthy bodies. This also makes it easier to manage tobacco cravings later in life, because you have the early years in its absence as a precident. I don't actually learn my life lessons from children, not even in the area of play. They do not really teach us (except how to play Mario), rather they remind us of something we should be doing more of, which is to play. But an enlightened adult is still the best teacher, even about fun.

As you'd never guess with the cigar bashers, I find cigar smokers to be an especially amiable people. What do you make of that?

Someone with a disturbed mind somehow doesn't seem to be able to embrace such an experience as a fine cigar aroma, or similar experiences. It could have something to do with the sophistication of it. Or it could be that such sublime pleasures (along with those of Bach music and nature settings) have a way of beckoning you to come apart to ponder, which disturbed people understandably find a horrifying prospect. That tends to make for a better bet at finding the more stable people among enjoyers of cigars.

Do you think that we should stick with the hand-made “premium” cigars rather than the machine-made ones?

If you have looked at cigar literature, particularly The Complete Idiot's Guide to Cigars (Yes, there really is such a book), you may have noted a certain snobbery in favor of hand-rolled cigars, looking down the nose at machine-made cigars and those who smoke them. Even the Cigar General is better than that. Life is too short to be a Swisher basher. Even though I've had cigars on the order of a Partagas, Macanudo, George Burns Vintage, Quintero, Onyx, and finally an Opus X, the machine brands such as a Phillies, William Penn, Grenadiers, and Dutch Masters didn't let me down. One regular cigar smoker I have come upon with regularity smokes William Penns, which has quite a soothing, honest cigar aroma. Before I knew the brand I thought I was smelling a true premium cigar like Rush smokes. All I can say is after years of sampling different brands contemplatively, you will eventually zero in on the ones that give you the best cigar experience. Palette training coaches really aren't necessary.

Presently I am a "social" smoker of cigarettes. I do think of cigarettes as a downward move from cigars. I find from personal experience that if you maintain conscious awareness of every cigarette you smoke, you will probably top out at five a day, since by the time you reach that number you will be waking up mornings with a bad taste in your mouth. Therefore I only rarely get to that number. However, I'm glad you asked because I once purchased two packs of cigarettes - Marlboros and Camels. My choice of these two brands should be plain if you know your poli-sci. But it also happens, when my dad was a smoker, he stuck with Camels straights, and since I was exposed more to that brand of second-hand smoke than any other, I kind of figured it would be a flash-back experience to try them out first-hand. But that doesn't overshadow the more-real political motivation behind my getting these and the Marlboros. And know that it took me a few weeks to finish them, not one day.

You mentioned cigars as a “civilizing influence”. How can you justify that?

Say you are sitting on a bench smoking. Then some pretty official looking people walk your way. and sit down around you, close enough to take in your second-hand smoke. Your palms are sweaty. You wonder if they are here to tell you this is a non-smoking facility, or that they don't want to get lung cancer. But then, out come the Marlboros, lighters, and even a cigar or two. You know if you are honest that you feel relieved.

Do you realise that you set yourself up for liability by saying cigarettes are as safe as a cup of coffee?

I set myself up for liability by saying coffee is safe. People have lost kidneys because of drinking several cups of coffee a day. Yes, a cigarette is about the risk of a cup of coffee. I'll let my word stand. How many people do you know who drink 42 cups of coffee a day? If coffee were so addictive it came to that, the government would be after coffee too. Conversely cigarettes in moderation are pretty safe, but so difficult to do it is almost academic to say that. Cigars are realistic for practicing moderation.

One cigar at a time. No seriously, probably one a week is pretty moderate. But a good guideline is the number where you are enjoying each cigar with the maximum psychological pleasure. If you smoke too many, this pleasure is diminished. A good clue is if you find yourself racing through your cigars.

Main Points

Cigar Websites:

*The great Maha Rushie Mahash Stogi, also known as Rush Limbaugh, who is known to smoke a cigar during his radio broadcasts, has been observed to say “Amidst billowing clouds of fragrant, aromatic, second-hand, premium stogie smoke.”